Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
