U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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