Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
