oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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