Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
