I feel great
I just peed on a car
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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