i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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