just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
