Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
