I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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