I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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