im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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