Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
