I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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