My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
