Christians are straight up FREAKS
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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