feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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