I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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