The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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