i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
