seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet