I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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