tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
