i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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