6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
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Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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