Dual....:-)
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
