you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
