My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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