dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
