is your mom at the bar?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
