i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
