dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
