M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
