Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
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He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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