I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
