he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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