Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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