I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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