My girlfriend figured out who you are.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
