He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
