I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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