Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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