Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
