I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
