Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
