I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
