just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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