Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
