real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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