Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
