Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
