Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
