I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
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Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize