I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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