i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
