So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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